Quad Daily News - 12/06/2022
URBANA, IL — The University of Illinois Office of Financial Aid is set to host a 'Cash for Gold' seminar on Monday, December 12, as part of its new 'Affordable College Initiative'. The seminar, located in conference room 283 at the Illini Union, teaches students how to pay for college by trading in earrings, bracelets, and other priceless heirlooms for cash. "It's really simple", said UIUC spokesperson Joyce Shlomi, "Students can bring their grandparents' jewelry to the University Bursar, we'll evaluate it, and cut them a check between $25 and $78, no questions asked." The 'Cash for Gold' information session is just one component of the 'Affordable College Initiative', which includes multi-level marketing job opportunities, extreme couponing classes, and a plan to sell university artifacts on Pawn Stars. The University is also awaiting a $5,000,000 payment from the recently deposed King of Nigeria to whom university officials sent $10,000 to unfreeze his bank account. The 'Affordable College Initiative' has drawn criticism from the members of the public, many of whom are concerned about the sidelining of traditional financial awards, such as scholarships. When questioned about UIUC's lack of merit-based scholarships, Shlomi had this to say: "Look, the University is facing tough times. We can hardly afford to pay our President his $835,000 yearly salary; imagine if we were to give out a few dozen scholarships on top of that!"
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