UIUC Football Coach Surprised That Team is Actually Decent

Quad Daily News - 11/15/2022

URBANA, IL — University of Illinois head football coach Bret 'Bert' Bielema was surprised to find out that his football team isn't a giant shitshow this year, and that they had won the majority of their games. "I was grabbing my morning coffee when I heard someone in line mention that the Fighting Illini were having a great season", said a gleeful Bielema, "I thought they were being sarcastic at first, but then I checked online, and it turns out that our team is 7-3! That's probably pretty damn good.... I think". When asked why he didn't notice his team's victory sooner, Bielema simply shrugged. "To be honest", he said, "I don't really keep track of the score. I guess after 20 years of subpar performance, I'd just assumed that we were losing every game". Despite Bielema's impressive transformation of the Fighting Illini, school officials have announced that Bielema will be fired in two years, citing the "historic UIUC tradition of firing old coaches and replacing them with incompetent chumps". School officials also announced that the Hockey Team has replaced the Football Team as UIUC's official laughingstock.

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